The Lincoln Log

This week, school administrators proposed a new school policy intended to solve the vandalism problem at school during an almost top-scecret meeting. The suggested solution is an extension of last year’s closed campus policy. Instead of students being prohibited from leaving campus during the school day, there will be no campus.

“The logic behind the policy is that if there is no campus to violate, vandalism and misbehavior will significantly decrease,” said one administrator who, due to the controversy of this issue, wished to remain anonymous.

Though the policy is almost guaranteed to achieve its purpose, many students are having misgivings.

“I thought it was confusing figuring out whether a class was in a temporary or regular bungalow,” said freshman Rita Engle. “But now how will I find my math class if there’s no campus at all?”

Some students go so far as to say that the policy will rob them of an essential part of their educational careers.

“Lunch! That’s the most important part, and with no campus, we’re not even going to have that,” sophomore Riley Etes said.

Though students remain skeptical, many teachers have been more optimistic about the idea.

“At least the number of tardies would go down. They won’t have any classroom to walk in late to,” teacher Alva Dunmore said of what could be a positive result.

Unlike their peers, members of the student council welcome the new policy for financial reasons.

“It’ll be great for when we sell tickets to school dances. There’ll be no place to sell tickets, so none will be sold,” said senior Reed Moore. “That’s way more than ticket sales so far this year.”

The janitorial staff has been especially excited about the new proposal.

“I’ll tell you what, it’ll make my job a heck of a lot easier,” maintenance man Kenny Fixit said. “No clogged toilets, no obscene graffiti to scrape off, no gum under the desks,” he added. “No litter to clean up, no food spilled everywhere, nothing broken to be fixed, nothing newly fixed to be broken, nothing to be re-painted. I could go on and on.”

Though the policy is to the point with no foreseeable loopholes, there have been suggestions for improvement.

“No campus? I say no kids! That’ll solve all the problems,” said teacher Neil Crabapple.